This email was being passed around at work and was just too good not to share.
>
> Deer Santa,
>
> I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
>
>
> Yer Friend, Billy
>
>
>
> Dear Billy,
>
> Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I
> send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older
> brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
>
> Santa
>
> *****************************************************
>
> Dear Santa,
>
> I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
> and joy in the world for everybody!
>
>
> Love, Sarah
>
>
>
> Dear Sarah,
>
> Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
>
>
> Santa
>
>
> ****************************************************
>
> Dear Santa,
>
> I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
> and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
>
> Love, Teddy
>
>
> Dear Teddy,
>
> Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
> Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your rigid mom, who
> rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send
> you some Legos instead.
>
> Santa
>
>
> ****************************************************
>
> Dear Santa,
>
> I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
> kit, a pony and a tuba.
>
> Love, Francis
>
>
> Dear Francis,
>
> Who names their kid "Francis" now-a-days? I bet you're gay. I'll set you
> up with a Barbie.
>
> Santa
>
> ****************************************************
>
> Dear Santa,
>
> I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
> your reindeer outside the back door.
>
> Love, Susan
>
>
> Dear Susan,
>
> Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
> riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of
> Scotch.
>
> Santa
>
>
> ****************************************************
>
> Dear Santa,
>
> What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
>
> Your friend, Thomas
>
>
> Dear Thomas,
>
> All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most
> of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself
> silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at
> the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
>
>
> Santa
>
>
> ****************************************************
>
> Dear Santa,
>
> Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
> like in the song?
>
> Love, Jessica
>
>
> Dear Jessica,
>
> Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping
> your house.
>
> Santa
>
>
>
> ****************************************************
>
> Dear Santa,
>
> I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE
> could I have one?
>
>
> Love, Timmy
>
>
> Dear Timmy,
>
> That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't
> work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
>
> Santa
>
>
> ****************************************************
>
> Dearest Santa,
>
> We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
>
> Love, Marky
>
>
>
> Dear Mark,
>
> First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass
> whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
> low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the
> boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
>
> Sweet dreams, Santa
>